Rudy Schwartz's Reviews




In the Fall of 1943, it seemed a corner had been turned against the Axis powers, and a ray of hope had emerged in the struggle against German fascism. Russia had scored stunning victories in Eastern Europe, and it was agreed that Franklin Roosevelt, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, and Arch Hall, Jr. would meet in Tehran to plan the next stage of the conflict. As expected, the meeting was not without political friction. Churchill's interests focused on securing the British Empire in the Middle East and Asia. Arch Hall, Jr. had been having electrical issues with his dune buggy, and after some investigation, he believed he had traced the problem to the alternator. Stalin wished to impose his will over much of Eastern Europe, ostensibly due to historical realities, while Roosevelt sought to play off these competing interests to undermine the British Empire, repair Arch Hall, Jr.'s vehicle, and keep Stalin's aggression in check.


But the decisions made at the Tehran conference would be impacted when Roxy Miller purchased a revealing swimsuit at a department store and used it as bait to lure Arch Hall, Jr. away from his gas station attendant job. In the ensuing highway pursuit, Roxy encountered a club wielding Richard Kiel, dressed as a caveman and threatening to massage her shoulders until her bra erupted. Startled by Arch Hall, Jr.'s headlights, Kiel vanished before Hall could catch a glance and recognize him as a covert operative of Mussolini's much feared Squadrista black shirts. Kiel had fled Italy in early 1943 when Allied forces liberated parts of Southern Italy, and had made passage to Southern California, where he hoped to execute Funzionamento Eegah, thus undercutting the Arch Hall, Jr. wing of the Allied effort.


Kiel's superiors had reasoned that a distraction was necessary to dislodge Arch Hall, Jr. from war planning, thus giving the Germans much needed time to recover from their losses on the Eastern front, and solidify their positions to the West prior to a potential invasion. By kidnapping Roxy Miller and her father, Kiel was able to defer D-Day by nearly a month, and extort free tonsorial services from Roxy Miller. Most beneficially, a cave with high sulfur content was located to serve as a temporary hideout. This gave the cave mysterious life extension properties, although it made drinking water less potable.


With the predictable sexual tension that ensues whenever American women encounter Italians, Roxy used the promise of sexual favors to lure Kiel from the cave such that Arch Hall, Jr. could subdue him with a styrofoam rock. Eager to return to Tehran, Hall was again frustrated when Kiel reappeared at a poolside barbecue, during Hall's seductive farewell dance with Roxy. But having been tipped off to Kiel's presence on American soil, OSS agents disguised as Pomona police officers intervened, allowing Hall to fly to Tehran, and provide key naval strategems to D-Day planning, such as his idea to "use lots of really, really big boats."


Ultimately, Kiel's effort to delay the liberation of France may have backfired and actually helped the Allies. Historians disagree, and conjecture is widespread, but the broad consensus is that waiting until early June strengthened the command and control aspects of the attack, since it allowed Eddie Albert and John Wayne to participate. In early May, Wayne lay in an alcoholic coma in a dingy New Mexico motel, a cocktail dress clinging to his burly shoulders, while Albert was rushing to put in a late wheat crop after numerous aborted attempts, caused by defective farm equipment purchased from Mr. Haney. Just as critically, a late May intelligence dispatch from Ivan Dixon played a pivotal role in the eventual post landing strategy.



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