How is it already October? It felt like just yesterday summer was starting up, everyone was getting out on trips, going for a hike, visiting the seaside. Yet here we are again, in that glorious time of year where horror movies take over the theaters and television channels, and everyone's yards are filled with things their neighbors call the cops on them for. With that, comes my third year of attempting a block of a horror movies to give my honest reviews of, which (spoiler) were sadly a little more negative this year.
As with years past, a little synopsis: I love horror related things, but have not been a fan of most horror movies out there for one reason or another. Everyone once in a while though, one sneaks onto my TV that I really enjoy, and it gives me a little bit of hope. *Disclaimer: these are all first-time viewings for myself and all were watched start to finish.
Brightburn
A husband and wife want nothing more than to have a family of their own. After what is alluded to as many failed attempts, they soon take another route brought upon them through unforeseen circumstances, and adopt a baby boy. What they don’t know, is that as the boy grows older, an external force deep within him is about to awaken, and turn their whole world upside down.
This movie looked promising, with a cast I have enjoyed in other non-horror works (Elizabeth Banks, David Denman, Matt Jones, Meredith Hagner), but felt lacking in the plot/writing department. Dialogue more times than not was a bore, while the movie sloughed on towards the end of what is basically “What if Superman was bad”.
Overall I’d give this one a D, not one I’d recommend to others, but not completely unwatchable.
Phantasm (1979)
In a cemetery, strange occurrences are happening. A death that is written off as a suicide leads to a further investigation from friends, especially when one sees nefarious things happening to the man’s coffin after the funeral. Inside the Morningside funeral home, they find even stranger things behind the curtain, but what is actually real, and how will they know?
I know a lot of people hold this movie close to the heart, so I hope you don’t come after me, but what the hell did I just watch? I get it, it’s a movie from the ‘70s and that’s very apparent, but the scene shifting being all over the place and poorly written dialogue made this one pretty terrible. Not in a “it’s so bad it’s good” way either. I found myself shaking my head multiple times at this silliness and really wondered how there are four more movies in the series.
This definitely wasn’t for me, an F in my book.
Sleepaway Camp (1983)
A tragedy becomes a young boy and his cousin, one that transforms them for the rest of their lives. Many years later, they find themselves at a summer camp with dozens of other youngsters, where their past catches up to them. When nefarious occurrences surround the camp day after day, the hunt is on to find those responsible before worse can happen.
What starts as a fun ‘80s summer camp film, akin in some ways to Meatballs, quickly turn into a delightful horror film. While definitely overacted in multiple parts, the creepy factor brings this one home and provided an interesting whodunit.
I’m going to give this one a B.
Body Bags
Three stories come together in this movie collection, brought to us by legends John Carpenter and Tobe Hooper from the depths of a morgue.
In ‘The Gas Station’, a young woman finds herself on the first night of her new gas station attendant job. She soon finds that what seems normal is anything but, and the man who welcomed her into the booth soon becomes her worst nightmare.
In ‘Hair’, a man who wants nothing more than to get his youthful head of hair back, will do anything. When the commercial he sees on TV turns out to be too good to be true, what brings his hair to life turns on him, as well as those who gave him the short-lived gift.
In ‘Eye’, a baseball player loses his eye in a car accident, and goes through an experimental surgery to regain his eyesight. The problem is where the eye came from, and before long it becomes apparent he has to either give it up, or embrace his new inner demon.
This movie brings together a huge cast of knowns beyond the two legends themselves, including Mark Hamill (who goes full psychopath), Tom Arnold, Robert Carradine, Wes Craven, Sam Raimi, Stacy Keach, Molly Cheek, and Greg Nicotero.
I found these all pretty fun, and creepy/gory where they needed to be. Giving this an A.
30 Miles From Nowhere
A group of friends is called upon to go into their past relationships, to grieve one of their own at his funeral. The not very torn up widow brings them into a guest house on the property where they can remember their former times, but what starts with a night of drunkenness soon turns into a festival of horrors that may not let anyone leave unscathed over the coming days.
While this one had a run-of-the-mill premise, it did end up having an okay twist within. Unfortunately it was a tough time to get there, with lackluster acting and dialogue that never really got off the launching pad. A few jump scares, but a pretty lazy horror attempt.
This one deserves a D, teetering toward D-.
The Thing (1982)
In the remote reaches of the Antarctic, a group of researchers soon finds themselves up against something unlike anything they have seen before. Deep within the ice, another group has unearthed something that could end all of humanity, and die in the process. The main research group soon finds themselves up against an enemy that can hide in plain sight and must quickly figure out how to defeat it, or risk everything in the process.
This was a fun movie, a true descent into madness, a real test of human survival. The horror was on point, the gore/animatronics were absolutely delightful, and the acting really brought this one home.
Definitely an A on this one.
Screamboat
On the Staten Island Ferry, a creature lurks. One that has been kept hidden for many years from the public eye, but who has decided to come forth and wreak havoc on this evening to those only wanting to get back home to family. Will anyone make it back to those they love, or will they all fall victim to the relentless murderous rage of one little mouse, known as Steamboat Willie. Only one short (yet becomes very long) ferry ride will tell.
Let’s be real on this one. They’re remaking a lot of things that have fallen into the public domain as of late. Some have been hilariously good and amusing, some not so much. Sadly, I feel this is of the latter. While I did enjoy the redeeming quality of David Howard Thornton as Steamboat Willie to a point, it felt like they were trying to copy his Terrifier mannerisms too much, while at the same time trying to give mild homage to his mouse character origins. It had some jump scares and gruesome kills sure, but overall the poor acting and poor plot didn’t bring this one to life.
Overall, a D.
Written by Kyle Lybeck
As with years past, a little synopsis: I love horror related things, but have not been a fan of most horror movies out there for one reason or another. Everyone once in a while though, one sneaks onto my TV that I really enjoy, and it gives me a little bit of hope. *Disclaimer: these are all first-time viewings for myself and all were watched start to finish.
Brightburn
A husband and wife want nothing more than to have a family of their own. After what is alluded to as many failed attempts, they soon take another route brought upon them through unforeseen circumstances, and adopt a baby boy. What they don’t know, is that as the boy grows older, an external force deep within him is about to awaken, and turn their whole world upside down.
This movie looked promising, with a cast I have enjoyed in other non-horror works (Elizabeth Banks, David Denman, Matt Jones, Meredith Hagner), but felt lacking in the plot/writing department. Dialogue more times than not was a bore, while the movie sloughed on towards the end of what is basically “What if Superman was bad”.
Overall I’d give this one a D, not one I’d recommend to others, but not completely unwatchable.
Phantasm (1979)
In a cemetery, strange occurrences are happening. A death that is written off as a suicide leads to a further investigation from friends, especially when one sees nefarious things happening to the man’s coffin after the funeral. Inside the Morningside funeral home, they find even stranger things behind the curtain, but what is actually real, and how will they know?
I know a lot of people hold this movie close to the heart, so I hope you don’t come after me, but what the hell did I just watch? I get it, it’s a movie from the ‘70s and that’s very apparent, but the scene shifting being all over the place and poorly written dialogue made this one pretty terrible. Not in a “it’s so bad it’s good” way either. I found myself shaking my head multiple times at this silliness and really wondered how there are four more movies in the series.
This definitely wasn’t for me, an F in my book.
Sleepaway Camp (1983)
A tragedy becomes a young boy and his cousin, one that transforms them for the rest of their lives. Many years later, they find themselves at a summer camp with dozens of other youngsters, where their past catches up to them. When nefarious occurrences surround the camp day after day, the hunt is on to find those responsible before worse can happen.
What starts as a fun ‘80s summer camp film, akin in some ways to Meatballs, quickly turn into a delightful horror film. While definitely overacted in multiple parts, the creepy factor brings this one home and provided an interesting whodunit.
I’m going to give this one a B.
Body Bags
Three stories come together in this movie collection, brought to us by legends John Carpenter and Tobe Hooper from the depths of a morgue.
In ‘The Gas Station’, a young woman finds herself on the first night of her new gas station attendant job. She soon finds that what seems normal is anything but, and the man who welcomed her into the booth soon becomes her worst nightmare.
In ‘Hair’, a man who wants nothing more than to get his youthful head of hair back, will do anything. When the commercial he sees on TV turns out to be too good to be true, what brings his hair to life turns on him, as well as those who gave him the short-lived gift.
In ‘Eye’, a baseball player loses his eye in a car accident, and goes through an experimental surgery to regain his eyesight. The problem is where the eye came from, and before long it becomes apparent he has to either give it up, or embrace his new inner demon.
This movie brings together a huge cast of knowns beyond the two legends themselves, including Mark Hamill (who goes full psychopath), Tom Arnold, Robert Carradine, Wes Craven, Sam Raimi, Stacy Keach, Molly Cheek, and Greg Nicotero.
I found these all pretty fun, and creepy/gory where they needed to be. Giving this an A.
30 Miles From Nowhere
A group of friends is called upon to go into their past relationships, to grieve one of their own at his funeral. The not very torn up widow brings them into a guest house on the property where they can remember their former times, but what starts with a night of drunkenness soon turns into a festival of horrors that may not let anyone leave unscathed over the coming days.
While this one had a run-of-the-mill premise, it did end up having an okay twist within. Unfortunately it was a tough time to get there, with lackluster acting and dialogue that never really got off the launching pad. A few jump scares, but a pretty lazy horror attempt.
This one deserves a D, teetering toward D-.
The Thing (1982)
In the remote reaches of the Antarctic, a group of researchers soon finds themselves up against something unlike anything they have seen before. Deep within the ice, another group has unearthed something that could end all of humanity, and die in the process. The main research group soon finds themselves up against an enemy that can hide in plain sight and must quickly figure out how to defeat it, or risk everything in the process.
This was a fun movie, a true descent into madness, a real test of human survival. The horror was on point, the gore/animatronics were absolutely delightful, and the acting really brought this one home.
Definitely an A on this one.
Screamboat
On the Staten Island Ferry, a creature lurks. One that has been kept hidden for many years from the public eye, but who has decided to come forth and wreak havoc on this evening to those only wanting to get back home to family. Will anyone make it back to those they love, or will they all fall victim to the relentless murderous rage of one little mouse, known as Steamboat Willie. Only one short (yet becomes very long) ferry ride will tell.
Let’s be real on this one. They’re remaking a lot of things that have fallen into the public domain as of late. Some have been hilariously good and amusing, some not so much. Sadly, I feel this is of the latter. While I did enjoy the redeeming quality of David Howard Thornton as Steamboat Willie to a point, it felt like they were trying to copy his Terrifier mannerisms too much, while at the same time trying to give mild homage to his mouse character origins. It had some jump scares and gruesome kills sure, but overall the poor acting and poor plot didn’t bring this one to life.
Overall, a D.
Written by Kyle Lybeck
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