The Day After Halloween

Morbid thoughts on a gloomy, grey, first of November...

Another Halloween has come and gone, and it was as anticlimactic as usual. I think about what I did on the day, and the things I could have, should have, done.

It makes me wonder how many more Halloweens I will see. I'm not that old at age fifty-four, but I'm not young either. It's an age when you start too see your contemporaries die. Some are no surprises as they killed themselves with booze, drugs, smoking, bad eating habits, or other destructive means. Others are grim surprises.

What will be the last book I read to completion? What will be the final movie I pay to see in a theater? What will be the last part I manufacture as a machinist? When will be the last time I climb the lookout tower at the local nature park and gaze at the wetlands below? When will be the last time I have the simple pleasure of sharing a pizza pie with someone?

It's not too healthy to obsess on such things. Solitude can do that to you. Make you gaze into the abyss and feel the horror.

I believe that I have many years left, but no one knows for sure about that one. Do we? No sir. Death comes calling in its own time.

I want, need, to make the time count from now on. It's bad enough that I have to be imprisoned in a machine shop so much, so I want to make better decisions from now on.

The biggest is how I need to focus on living sane and sober. Most addicts of drugs and alcohol will tell you that they do it because they like the buzz so much. It's probably true in some cases, but I think most do so to hide from others and from themselves. A blinding, blurring cloak of inebriation keeps one from confronting the demons. It also prevents us from conquering them.

I've been on and off the booze so many times. Last night I drank quite a bit. I feel physically all right today, but I feel spiritually bankrupt. I feel like it was a wasted day and night. I don't want to blow any more of my weekends.

Also, I need to avoid people who bring me down in any way. Old friends or not. Again, I have to put up with negativity and aggression at work. On my time, I don't need it. I want people in my life to lift me up, as I hope to do the same in return. I've done the negativity thing. Oh yes. I've specialized in it. It's a dead end road.

I want to read things that bring me happiness. If I'm not enjoying it, I'm done. I don't care if it's a friend or a beloved writer. If I don't like it, I'll say so if asked if it comes up in conversation. Not in a hateful way, but with honesty.

I've been spending fewer hours at the computer. The forum here is still going strong, but it's not nearly as busy as it has been in the past. I'm coming up on time to renew, and I will do so again this year, I think. Part of me, a big part in fact, would like to chuck it all. The idea of it is liberating, but there are a few people who like the boards and rely on them as part of their routines. We're all struggling to get through this life as sanely as we can, and if this site helps some people, well, then I am accomplishing something here.

I can't complain. I have a job and my bills are current. Great books are coming out all the time. I have my health and I walk and exercise as much as I can. I just need to make better life choices.